This post was inspired by my last post about communication mistakes.  I got several comments from people wanting a list of the communication mistakes people make online.  I took a very informal poll and here are the results.  Much of this has to do with Facebook but there are also a few about blogs.  Some of these are in my own words and some are pretty much what people said when I asked for feedback.  I’ll let you decide which is which.

In no particular order:

1. Game/horoscope/quiz requests – if you want to waste your time on this crap, do it, but don’t ask me to join you.
2. Political or religious ranting – this one will get you voted off the island.
3. Airing of dirty laundry that really should be kept between the two people it involves.  It only makes us embarrassed for you.
4. Posting only really, really, awesome stuff…. OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS SO GREAT and my KIDS are perfect and my HUSBAND is so awesome…. Seriously?  Be real. We all have shit in our lives. Be authentic and stop trying to paint a certain picture. Not to mention, your friends know the real story.
5. Cat videos – need I say more?
6. Being generally negative and complaining about everything including change – we are all busy.  We all have ups and downs.  We don’t need to know about every little thing in your life that gets your panties in a bunch.
7. Stealing content without giving credit – if you like it, pass it on but please give credit.
8. Spelling and grammar mistakes – not the innocent little errors, the errors you repeat over and over and over.  This isn’t cute.  You look like a moron.
9. Hijacking a thread on Facebook to voice your opinion or change the topic all together.
10. Clicking on the videos that are obviously spam and making the rest of us suffer when it is then posted on everyone else’s wall.
11. People who add me to their email list or otherwise spam me without asking me first.  No, just because I had one email conversation with you does not mean I want weekly updates on housing prices for the entire western seaboard!
12. On Facebook, please do not put your CAUSE on my wall or timeline without permission.  People who have an “official” cause and they post on my wall just sure I would want to join. I might. But ask me first.
13. Leaving a vague comment on a blog or Facebook post – “Nice blog” or “thank you” is not really helpful to the person posting it or anyone reading it.  Leave a thoughtful response that proves you have read the blog and that you have an opinion.
14. Sending a Facebook message instead of an email – this is especially frustrating if you are talking about business.  If you’re just arranging a lunch date with a friend, great, use messaging.  Otherwise, send an email.
15. Asking, “please LIKE, SHARE and COMMENT if you find my stuff useful”.  I will like, share or comment if the post resonates with me, I know how to use FB. You don’t have to tell me.
16. Adding me as a friend just so you can invite me to like your business page or event.
17. Typing in call caps, all the time – you yelling at me isn’t going to make me like your post.

I’m sure there are more but this is what we came up with today.  Do you have more?  Send them my way!  I believe the rules for online communication are pretty much the same as face to face communication.  Don’t yell, don’t get in my business, don’t hit on me, don’t interrupt, and don’t tell me what to like and we’ll be just fine.

Chances are you have experienced more than one of these socially awkward communication mistakes while talking to someone.  Hopefully, you aren’t making many of these mistakes yourself.  We all screw up sometimes, but if you’re making too many of these mistakes, people are probably avoiding you like the plague.

1. Appearing cold – not being warm by smiling and making eye contact, or making eye contact but not responding when the other person speaks.  Even if you aren’t responding because you’re shy or unsure.  It causes discomfort and leaves a bad impression.
2. Speaking too directly – this one depends on how well you know someone.  When you first meet someone or don’t know them well, speaking too directly can be a turnoff.
3. Only talking about you – not asking any questions or showing interest in others.  A conversation is two ways.  You do not have to always have a counter-story or bring the conversation back to you.
4. Talking loudly and over everyone – this screams, ‘hey, look at me, I need attention’!  If you feel yourself compelled to get a word in, ask yourself why it’s important.  Chances are, your ego only thinks it’s important.  Don’t do it.
5. Making too much eye contact – some people find this very intimidating and intense.  Mix it up but don’t spend your time looking around and not at the person you’re speaking to either.
6. Making other people feel uncomfortable – by talking about taboo subjects or pointing out embarrassing things.
7. Being negative or petty – complaining, gossiping, and whining.
8. Smiling while saying something shitty – you are still a bitch even if you are smiling when you say something insulting.  You aren’t hiding anything or being sly.
9. Being generally needy – needing too much attention and approval gets old real quick.  Always bringing attention back to you will turn people off.
10. Being overly sensitive – getting offended easily, taking things personally.  Making it all about you and acting as if other people are not allowed to have their own opinions.  Everyone does not have to agree with you or like what you like.

That about sums it up.  This is only a small list.  If you have more examples of communication mistakes, leave them in the comments.  Feel free to share this with the people in your life who need it!

If you are the one who needs it and you know it, contact me for a $25, How To Make Friends and Influence People session.  Yes, I stole the name from Dale Carnegie.  That guy knew what he was talking about.

The subject of boundaries has been coming up so often with my clients lately that I just had to write a blog post about it.  What is it about having and keeping boundaries that confounds so many people?  I’ll tell you what.  We are all afraid of being rejected or making someone unhappy with us.

It seems like everyone I talk to is having boundary issues with their kids, significant other, boss, friends, co-workers, or family members.

When it comes to boundaries, I want you to understand this: Your boundaries are for YOU.  Not anyone else.  Other people DO NOT have to understand or agree with YOUR boundaries.  They are yours.  You put them in place for you.  You stand by them for you.

When you let other people cross boundaries, you are setting up a situation where you are essentially giving them permission to do it again and again.  Then, when you eventually become angry and resentful about it, you’ll blame that person for not having any respect for you.  It’s a vicious circle and here is what you can do about it.

1.  Stop explaining yourself.  When you feel compelled to say, no, to someone, do you also feel compelled to give a long explanation about why you’re saying no?  It’s the idea of the explanation that makes us sweat.  If you would just speak your truth in a kind way, minus the explanation, it would be so much easier.  Example:  Vicki, can you volunteer to run such and such activity at school this week?  I’m sorry (smiling), I’m not available this week.  No explanations!
2. Stop trying to control other people’s emotions.  You are not responsible if someone lets their feelings be hurt by you having a boundary.  You have no control over how another person reacts to any situation.  This includes when you say no to them or set some other kind of boundary.  Again, the boundary isn’t for them or about them.  If a person gets upset over your boundary, that is their issue.  Also, you might want to question what kind of relationship you have with someone if they get upset over you having boundaries.
3. Be kind but don’t be a pushover.  If you really feel like to you want to help someone or make an exception for them, please do.  However, if you feel in any way that you do not want to, please don’t.  I have a client who is a sucker for anyone who seems like they are in need.  She will pretty much do anything, even if she doesn’t want to, if another person seems like they need her.  She is being a pushover with no boundaries.  If you don’t really want to do it, don’t do it.  Find a kind way to say no (minus the excuse).
4. Stop blaming the person who is repeatedly crossing your boundaries.  You have set it up this way or they wouldn’t be doing it.  I know this sucks, but it’s true.  You created this mess and you can change it.  One of my friends has a boss who pretty much knows no boundaries.  He asks (more like commands) her to do work that is outside the scope of her job, at odd hours and with little notice.  He speaks to her in a disrespectful tone and pokes fun at her in front of her co-workers.  He might be a jerk boss but it’s my friend who has allowed this to happen.

Even if it’s your intimidating mother-in-law or your boss, you can stand for your boundaries and not be a jerk about it.  The key is speaking your truth in a kind way.

If you have someone in your life that repeatedly crosses your boundaries and you want to learn more about how to stop it, contact me for a 45 minute, Boundary Reinforcement Session.  First time clients pay only $25 and can then apply this fee to the purchase of any coaching package.  Vicki@mykickasscoach.com

I have to admit, I’m not a huge racing fan.  I do, however, have respect for anyone who can do what race car drivers do.  Imagine the amount of focus a driver like Jeff Gordon must have.  He can’t be thinking about anything other than what he wants to achieve while driving that car.  There is no room for letting your mind wander or focusing on something trivial.

While racing, do you think Jeff is having thoughts like, “gosh, I sure hope I don’t crash” or “I remember last time I raced this track I screwed up pretty badly” or “I’m not so sure I can do this”?  Hell no!  If he did, he certainly wouldn’t be ranked as one of the all time best.  He probably wouldn’t be alive.

The number one fundamental taught in racing school: Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear. If your car is headed for the wall and you look at the wall, you are going to hit the wall! Don’t focus on the wall (what you don’t want), put your focus in the direction you want to go and everything will follow.

Drivers are taught to keep their focus on the lane in front of them.  They cannot focus on the wall or the other cars that are driving inches from them.  The same lesson applies to the rest of us.  Even if you aren’t driving a car at 200 mph, or performing some other death defying task, the same rule will work for you.

One of the fundamentals that I teach my private coaching clients is to put their focus on what they DO want, instead of what they DON’T want.  Here’s how it’s done:

*Assess, in the moment, how you feel.  Your emotions are a barometer that tells you where your thoughts are focused.  If you are focusing on something you don’t want, like crashing, you likely are not going to be experiencing positive emotions.  When you are experiencing negative emotions, you probably are not going to take effective action.  If you find that your emotions are not positive, ask yourself what it is you are thinking that is causing those emotions.

*If you find that your thoughts have been focused on something you do not want, take a moment to think about what you might like instead.  For instance, if you are focused on a lack of money, you probably aren’t feeling real happy at the moment.  You are putting your focus on what you don’t have.  You are putting your focus on the wall that you want to avoid.  What do you want instead?  Do you want more income?  Do you want fewer expenses?  Do you want to feel secure?

*Once you know what you DO want, put your focus solely on that.  See it, think it and experience the positive emotions that come with it.  For example, instead of thinking about a lack of money, think about why it would be great to have the money you want.  How would that make you feel?  What would you be able to do?  When you think about what you DO want, you will experience positive emotion.

*The positive emotion you experience from choosing to focus on what you DO want, will lead you to taking effective action.  Your effective action is likely to result in you ultimately getting what you want (what you are asking for).

Regardless of the circumstances, you must always keep your focus on what you DO want.  Never let your focus stay on what you don’t want.  You are asking for more of it by putting energy into it.  By looking at the wall, you are assuring that you will drive into it.  By keeping your focus on the lane in front of you and what you DO want, you are assuring that you will achieve your goal.

This is such a simple concept and so hard to implement.  It’s hard only because we have trained ourselves to focus on and stress out about what we don’t want.  You can also train yourself to keep your eye on what you DO want.  It takes practice and I guarantee you the results can be amazing.

If you want to learn more about how to manage your mindset, you can sign up for my version of a newsletter.  It’s called Mindset Mastery Academy or MMA.  This is a series of emails, each one giving you a technique like this one to help you master your mindset and move you toward what you want.  There is a sign up box in the left sidebar.

I also have a local Meetup on the second Thursday of every month called, Change Your Thinking; Change Your Life.

If you’ve been working on using some of these tools already and need a little extra help, contact me for a $25 (45 minute) Mindset Mastery Introductory Session to get you started.  This is an introductory session for first time clients to help you get a feel for how coaching works.  If you decide my coaching style will work for you and you’re ready to rock and roll, I will deduct this $25 fee from the coaching package of your choice.

Remember, never look at the wall!

You’ve heard that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  The squeaky wheel loves to point out problems but generally doesn’t offer well thought out solutions.  The person who plays this role at work gets noticed and generally gets what they want in the short term.  However, you also know that you do not want to be this person.  People avoid this person.  This employee does not get promoted or given the prime project.

So how the heck does one go about getting noticed or standing out in a good way?  You have to be willing to be visible at work in order to move ahead.  There is generally quite a bit of fear that goes along with standing out.  When you stand out you are a bigger target than when you’re safely ensconced behind your desk.  So why should you?

Here are 4 ways to stand out and why you should:

*Don’t wait to be handed that prime project.  If you want to stand out and move up in your organization, you cannot sit and wait for it to happen.  At first wind of a project that interests you, begin researching the topic.  This is a good way for you to find out if you are really interested in being a part of it and it expands your knowledge in general.  This also shows interest, resourcefulness, and that you are proactive.  You are more likely to be the first choice to lead the project when the time comes because you already have a head start.

*Share pertinent information gleaned from your research with your boss.  You have to be a bit bold if you want to stand out.  How will your boss know that you are interested and proactive if you don’t let him/her know?  Sharing what you learn on a regular basis is more effective than verbally letting your boss know that you’re being proactive.  Show it, don’t talk about it.  Yes, some people are going to have a problem with you doing this.  They may feel it makes them look bad and it does.  Your colleagues have the same opportunity to be proactive and collaborative.  It’s not your concern if they choose not to use it.

*Be willing to have a voice.  So many employees are afraid to have an opinion or speak about something outside their immediate expertise or level.  Employers want to know that you take ownership of your job and the success of the company.  This means speaking up in meetings and having an opinion.  Make sure you know about the goals of the business unit and company as a whole and get involved.  This shows you are aware of and aligned with the group/company vision and that you care about it.

*Become an excellent listener.  Be curious about people and projects and ask thoughtful questions even if you THINK you already know what there is to know.  The more you can be knowledgeable and engaged with different business units, the more valuable you are to the company.

These are just 4 ways you can get more involved and stand out at work in a good way.  Give one or all of them a try and let me know how it works for you.  Don’t let fear get in your way!

Need a little extra help?  Contact me for a 45 minute Tell Fear To Take A Hike session!  The cost is only $25 and the benefits could change your career forever

This blog post was inspired by a question asked in response to Harmful Habits Advertise Fear.  The question was this: “I’m much too shy. My fears come from second guessing what I’m going to say. I’d love to hear your thoughts on overcoming that.”

Most of us experience feeling shy in certain situations.  Some of us feel shy in any social situation.  The jury is out on whether shyness is a genetic trait or something you develop based on your experiences.  If you want to read more on this topic, check out Genome News Network.

Even if shyness is a genetic trait, you don’t have to be a victim to it your whole life.  There are things you can do to make it worse and things you can do to make it better.

Here are 4 ways we exacerbate shyness and how to overcome them:

*Second guessing everything – this comes from worrying that you will make a mistake.  You might say the wrong thing.  You might make someone feel bad.  You might ask a stupid question.  When you second guess everything, you can’t take part in a conversation.  The only conversation you’re having is in your head.  You cannot connect with other people this way.  The way to combat this is to stop thinking and just be present.  Listen!  Listen very carefully.  You aren’t stupid.  You don’t have to think way ahead to make sure you say just the right thing.  You have to trust that you’ll have something to say when the other person stops talking.

*Being afraid of silence – this one contributes to the first one.  If you’re afraid to let there be a moment or two of silence, then you feel compelled to speak even when you aren’t ready or don’t have anything worthwhile to say.  Of course this is stressful!  Listen to what the other person is saying.  If you don’t have any immediate response, let there be silence.  Also, when you ask someone a question and they don’t respond immediately, you don’t have to jump in to fill the space.  Give them a minute and they will generally say something else.  This lets you off the hook for having to keep the conversation going.

*Making up stories – I always tell my clients, “if you’re going to make shit up, make it to your advantage”.  Does anyone do this?  NO!  We make up stories that make us out to be the bad guy, the stupid guy, the incompetent guy, the one who doesn’t fit in, etc.  What if you made up a story that you’re brilliant and everyone is hanging on your every word?  What if you made up a story that says you are confident and have something to add to the conversation?  How might that change things?

*Telling yourself you’re nervous – if you tell yourself you’re nervous, you are.  Instead, tell yourself you’re excited.  Your body doesn’t know the difference between nervous and excited.  How might it change how you interact with someone if you go in excited vs nervous?

Shy or outgoing, if you practice these tools, you’ll be a better communicator and will feel confident when having a conversation.  Now go practice and let me know how it works out for you.

Need a little extra help?  Contact me for a 45 minute Break Out Of Shyness session!  The cost is only $25 and the benefits could change how you feel about yourself forever.

Vicki@mykickasscoach.com or 408-723-5290

Can we talk?

In this blog I want to tackle one of the most detrimental and fear based M.O.’s I see in the corporate world . . . in the family and friend, world, too, for that matter. But let’s focus on how this particular habit affects people in business.  The habit I’m talking about is being a perfectionist. This is not only a costly and ultimately detrimental way to operate in life but it’s also a cop-out.

Striving for perfection is a cop-out because it allows you avoid doing the hard things.  The hard things like: communicating effectively, collaborating, sharing the credit, taking constructive feedback, functioning as part of a team rather than an individual.
Not to mention the fact that you can’t possibly succeed because there is no such thing as perfection.

You know the person. Perhaps you are this person.  I was!
•    She won’t ask for help from anyone. Often at the end of the day there is a lot of heavy sighing and martyrdom around having “done it all.”
•    He checks, re-checks and triple-checks details until missing the deadline or slowing the project to a crawl.
•    She won’t share information because it isn’t complete or it’s still in draft form.
•    He won’t even take on a task or project if he doesn’t think he can do it perfectly.

There are lots of reasons (excuses) for this behavior. But fundamentally at the bottom of this kind of behavior lies fear. You could call it fear of failure, or rejection or embarrassment or whatever.  What is the reason you won’t let someone help you? If truth be told, is it because you want all the credit for a job well done?  Many times the need for acknowledgement or needing others to see their value is what underlies seeking perfection. Perhaps it is the fear of someone else doing it better!

Excuses, Excuses
Perfectionists use many excuses for their behavior.  Which of these sound familiar to you?

He’s too busy to bother with this.
My career depends on my getting this “right”.
This part of the project is beneath her pay grade.
It will take too long to show her how; I might as well do it myself.
He did a bad job last time; I won’t trust him again.
She doesn’t like me; she’ll never do it.
I’m the only person who will do it “right”.
The list goes on and on.

What it Costs You
Just as excuses for not delegating, asking for help or getting outside opinions are many, so are the costs.
If you don’t give tasks away or ask for help, it is a shout out to your colleagues that they are untrustworthy, or incapable of doing a good job, or they’re slow, lazy, or undependable.
When you spend too much time on a project attempting to get it just right, you may inadvertently send the message that you don’t have a sense of urgency or cannot be trusted to meet deadlines.
Perfection also costs you self-confidence.  Perfection is impossible so you are basically setting yourself up for failure by constantly trying to achieve it.  You are bound to “fail” and that slowly chips away at your self-esteem and confidence.
Tendencies toward perfection can cost you moving up in your role or being promoted because you will avoid tasks or projects that you are unsure you can do perfectly.

So you’re a perfectionist, now what?

This isn’t the time to beat yourself up, which is, by the way, what a perfectionist would normally do right now.  Now is the time to take an honest look at what perfectionism has been costing you even though it has invariably contributed to your success in the past.  Is this something you want to change?  I’ll tell you why you might want to change it.  This form of fear will, for a while, help you be successful but it will NEVER let you enjoy it.  You will always be worried that the job you did wasn’t good enough.  Who needs that crap?

Practice letting go of your need for perfection in small ways.  One rule of thumb is to work on something until it’s 80% done and then go with it as is.  No matter how hard you work on it or for how long, there will generally be 20% that will need to be changed anyway.

It won’t be easy but the benefits of allowing you to be human, and yes, that means make mistakes, are worth it.  If you want to make this change and you’re not sure how, give me a call or an email and we can chat about it.

Contact me at vicki@mykickasscoach.com for a special offer. Pay only $25 for a 45-minute phone consultation (a $93 value). Thereafter, receive $25 off the coaching package of your choice.

Let me begin this post by saying I am NOT saying that one “personality type” is better than another.  Read on and don’t send me hate mail.

From Wikipedia: Originally published in the 1950s, the Type A and Type B personality theory (also known as the “Jacob Goldsmith theory”) is a theory which describes two common, contrasting personality types—the high-strung Type A and the easy-going Type B—as patterns of behavior that could either raise or lower, respectively, one’s chances of developing coronary heart disease.

Though it has been widely controversial in the scientific and medical communities since its publication, the theory has nonetheless persisted, both in the form of pop psychology and in the general lexicon, as a way to describe one’s personality.

Revised from Changingminds.org: A simple division of preference or personality type is into Type A and Type B, which is based broadly on anxiety and stress levels.

Type A

The Type A personality generally lives at a higher stress level. They are driven by:

• The enjoyment of achieving goals, with greater enjoyment in achieving of more difficult goals. Thus, constantly working hard to achieve these.
• Finding it difficult to stop, even when the goals have been achieved.
• Feeling the pressure of time, constantly working flat out.
• Highly competitive and will, if necessary create competition.
• Hate failure and will work hard to avoid it.
• Generally pretty fit and often well-educated (a result of their anxiety).

Type B

The Type B personality generally lives at a lower stress level and are typically:

• They work steadily, enjoying achievements but not becoming stressed when they are not achieved.
• When faced with competition, they do not mind losing and either enjoy the game or back down.
• They may be creative and enjoy exploring ideas and concepts.
• They are often reflective, thinking about their outer and inner worlds.

One of my private coaching clients told me recently about a situation at work that has left her feeling separated and misunderstood by her co-workers.  She explained that there is a sort of “cliquish” group at work, of which she feels she is not a member.  It appears that the other members of this “group” are, generally speaking, Type A.  My client is firmly in the Type B camp.  She feels that her co-workers discount her or see her as “less than”.

My take on why she might be viewed as separate, different or less than, has to do with the fact that she does not communicate in the same way her co-workers do.  As you saw from the personality traits of a typical Type A, they are frequently moving at the speed of light.  This means their speech is usually quick also.  They think quickly and make decisions quickly.  A typical Type B, on the other hand, is more thoughtful and slower to comment or come to a decision.  Type B personalities don’t usually like to be the center of attention, either.  To a Type A, these traits can sometimes be taken as a sign of weakness or even, in some extreme cases, as stupidity or incompetence.

I have a confession to make.  I know this and say it frankly because I am, left to my own devices, a Type A (but then you knew that, didn’t you?).  I am embarrassed to say that I have been guilty of coming to incorrect conclusions about a person’s intelligence based solely on how quickly they think, speak and make decisions.  Quiet, thoughtful skills were not noticed or valued by me.

Over the years, I have humbly learned that everyone has something to offer if I can shut up long enough to let them offer it.  While being Type A has its advantages, it definitely has its drawbacks as well! I have practiced slowing down both my speech and how quickly I comment or make a decision.  Here’s why you Type A’s might want to do the same:

• As noted above, Type A’s are, by nature, more stressed out.  Who wants that?
• While being able to think quickly on your feet can sometimes come in handy, it can also get you (i.e.-Me) into trouble.
• Type B’s are generally very good at collaborating with others.  Type A’s can find this challenging because they are used to doing it all by themselves.
• Type B’s work just as hard as Type A’s but they get the added benefit of not becoming so stressed out when a goal is not achieved.
• The easy going Type B is often very creative and can come up with ideas and solutions that others can’t.
• Type B’s tend to be reflective rather than reactive and consider their inner world as well as the outer.

Type B’s are blessed with the ability to listen and make thoughtful, valuable remarks at the right time. They are most trusted with a confidential relationship, and often see the best solutions to tricky problems because they can focus on the issue and not be obsessed with how they look to others. The Type B who understand themselves are very comfortable in their own skin.

If you happen to be the proverbial Type A, take note of how you might be interpreting and interacting with your Type B co-workers.  Not just at work, but in the world at large, when we slow down and see each other as people, and listen, we learn and grow.  What a gift!

Ps – you know you’re a Type A if your panties are in a bunch over this post.

Contact me at vicki@mykickasscoach.com for a special offer. Pay only $25 for a 45-minute phone consultation (a $93 value). Thereafter, receive $25 off the coaching package of your choice.

In the area of communication, we often don’t give each other the respect and attention we each deserve. In my last blog, I pointed out that the source of much of our bad communication skills (interrupting, talking just to talk, etc.) is often due to insecurity and fear.

Poor communication habits, when seen through the lens of being fearful ought to encourage you take pause and consider who you are when talking to others. We are all guilty of these ubiquitous nasty habits, especially the more familiar we are with the speaker.

Why do we do it, or put up with it? We often don’t take care of our own needs — as in being respected, listened to and heard — because we ourselves don’t wish to be rude, pushy or loud. If you find yourself being constantly interrupted or spoken over, however, I encourage you to take a stand for yourself.

Here are some ways to deal with people who take over your conversation.

Antidote #1. Shut Your Mouth

1. If someone begins talking over you, abruptly shut your mouth and stop talking. When an interrupter is faced with having abruptly shut you up, you are likely to get an apology.

Antidote #2. Wait It Out

2. If a person takes over, stay silent and allow him to finish his piece. When he is done, very respectfully and calmly inform him that he interrupted your thought and you will now finish. Ask for him to allow you to speak until you are done.

Almost no one interacts with interrupters like that. When confronted with a polite and respectful, yet factual statement of what they did, I guarantee you that they will be less likely to interrupt you in the future.

Antidote #3. Raise Your Hand

When someone begins to talk over you, simply raise your hand, palm out, and ask them to wait. No one likes to be confronted like this. Again, you are making it uncomfortable for people to have bad communications with you, without you being impolite or inappropriate in the process.

Antidote and Last Resort #4. Shout It Out

This is the most difficult and possibly most uncomfortable approach, and I do not recommend doing it in a professional or public setting. I’ve seen it work great with family members, however.

When someone begins to interrupt you, make your voice louder and pointedly continue what you are saying. The potential interrupter has the choice of raising her level to match yours, or to be quiet, given that you intend to finish what you’re saying.

Final Thoughts

I realize that conversations happen more slowly than our speed of thinking them, and sometimes we don’t want a pertinent moment to pass before we forget a point we want to make; yet, there are polite and impolite ways to handle conversations.

I also realize that training others how to be in conversation with you is yucky. We are afraid to seem impolite, at the expense of appearing as boorish as the person with whom we are talking. However, expecting what you have to say to be respected, and respecting others’ views are critical in a cultured society.

And Now It’s Your Turn

So, you are training people how to be wonderful with you. You are also training yourself in this area. In addition to being someone lovely to talk to, your being respectfully attentive without having to interject your own opinion or vocabulary into another’s speaking also displays great self-confidence and self-assurance. It will be a pleasure talking to you.

Contact me at vicki@mykickasscoach.com for a special offer. Pay only $25 for a 45-minute phone consultation (a $93 value). Thereafter, receive $25 off the coaching package of your choice.

Ever watch Bill Engvall’s “Here’s Your Sign” routine about rednecks? Well, I’ve got some for you, but in this case the sign says, “I’m afraid!” See if you do any of these three (related) habits on a regular basis. They are nothing short of you holding up a sign saying, “I’m afraid!”

1. Interrupting

Do you interrupt people regularly before they have a chance to finish their sentence or their thought? When you interrupt people, not only is it rude and boorish (and all too common!), but it also tells the person that their idea can’t be anything unique or new, since you must have heard it all before.

It also may tell them you’re afraid. Perhaps you fear they’ll think you’re stupid or unimaginative; maybe you’re afraid you’ll waste time. Challenge yourself to consider why you interrupt people and locate the underlying fear.

2. Know It All

Do any of these sound familiar?

“Yes, I know that.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“I already did that.”

This is almost as bad as Interrupting, but at least you have the decency of waiting until the person has finished talking. Again, nothing anyone tells you is new under the sun. Heaven forbid that you are open to a novel idea. Know-it-alls are not only annoying; they are often wrong, and terribly afraid of looking stupid.

3. Finishing Other Peoples’ Sentences

In this case, you think you know what the person is going to say before he says it so you don’t only interrupt — you try to fill in their blanks. How often are you wrong? What are you so afraid of that you can’t allow someone else to contribute to you? Or is fear of inferiority driving you to prove your superiority?

4. Talking to Hear Yourself Talk

Do you say a lot without really contributing to the meeting or conversation? Do silences frighten you or make you uncomfortable? Do you feel you are responsible to keep a conversation going?

We often don’t realize it when we are talking to no purpose, but it sure is easy to see it in others, right? Start to become aware of when you are talking to promote yourself, your agenda or prevent a silence. If you are, you are letting your insecurity take over.

Observe in a public setting someone whom you admire. Does she speak constantly? Interrupt? Finish other people’s sentences? Likely not. Practice sitting quietly through an “uncomfortable” silence, or allowing another person to choose when to pick the conversation up again. Sit with your discomfort and see if you can locate the source of your fear.

Next time: Antidotes to bad communication behaviors!

Contact me at vicki@mykickasscoach.com for a special offer. Pay only $25 for a 45-minute phone consultation (a $93 value). Thereafter, receive $25 off the coaching package of your choice.