No Gossip!

This is week 1 of the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse and our challenge this week is to give up gossip.  Wow!  This is tougher than I imagined.  I’m not happy to say that.  I pride myself on not speaking badly about other people.  What this has taught me is that I don’t necessarily have to be the one who is starting the gossip.  If I participate at all, I am still gossiping.  Yuk!!!

Here is what I have learned:  Gossip takes many forms.  Eliminating ALL forms is the goal.  Do any of these sound familiar to you?

* Being the Gossip: Talking or writing about a person who is not part of the conversation in such a way that either: they would feel bad hearing what you said or you wouldn’t want them to hear what you said.

* Colluding in Gossip: Adding commentary and thoughts to a conversation or communication that create gossip. Gossip takes at least two – decline the invitation to join in!

* Witnessing Gossip: Standing by and listening to other people gossip still lets the toxin seep in. Take a stand for good talk or leave the conversation.

* Watching Gossip: Tuning into any form of media that promotes or shows gossip. Just because you don’t know the people doesn’t mean you’re not gossiping! If you find yourself watching or listening to gossip (yes even celebrity gossip!) change the channel. Rather than picking up the tabloid in the grocery line, grab Yoga Journal or read Aspire on your iphone.

So, did you see yourself in any of the above?  I’m guessing the answer is “yes”.  I know I am guilty.  It’s one thing to practice not being the gossip.  It’s another to keep yourself away from it entirely.  I have more work to do!

So how can we work towards eliminating this toxin from our lives?  One way is to create a daily practice.  The creators of the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse put it this way:

“Be impeccable with your word.”

Start your day by saying this affirmation for at least one minute: “Today I speak only from my heart. I leave gossip and toxic words behind. I truly speak only from my heart.”

Live your entire day aware of your words, and choose Good Talk over Gossip.
What is good talk?

It’s the SELF LOVE ANTIDOTE to gossip:

We call it Good Talk. Others call it right speech, being impeccable with your word, speaking in integrity…same idea. The common idea is that words matter… and that means that you have a choice of every word you let out of your mouth.

Speak about others as you would like to be spoken of. How would you want to be spoken about if it was you that were being talked about.

Have clean motivations and intentions. What is the motivation behind what you are saying? If it’s not from a good place, stop talking or change your words.

Lift others up, never tear them down. Inner Mean Girls (IMGs) love to gossip because it makes them feel better. Don’t do it. Instead make an effort to say things this week that lifts others up. And while celebrity gossip may make your IMG feel great for a minute, it’s better to avoid any media that drags others down.

Be a leader, change the conversation. If you find yourself being invited or tempted into gossip, instead choose words that change the energy. Invite the other person into Good Talk. Try something like, “You know what I love about ______” or “I feel a lot of compassion for _____”.

So who is with me on this?  Who will take this challenge?  How could this change your business???  No beating yourself up if you’ve been participating in gossip up until now.  We move forward from hear, supporting each other and practicing self love!

Do you have an inner mean girl?

You know the one; she tells you you’re not good enough or that you haven’t done enough or you’re not successful enough.  This girl has to go!

Enter the Inner Mean Girl 40-Day cleanse.  Lets kick that inner mean girl to the curb!

I am participating in the Inner Mean Girl 40-Day cleanse as a self-love ambassador.  I will be blogging about 6 toxic habits…a new one every week for 6 weeks, starting August 25th!

• Comparison
• Judgment
• Gossip
• Expectations
• Obligations
• Fear-based Media

Please join me if you would like to kick your inner mean girl to the curb!  Men, if you know women who could use this great information, please pass this on.  You may benefit from it too.
This brilliant idea was not mine (darn it!).  You can meet the genius ladies behind this idea and get more information HERE.

There are certain behaviors that really bother me lately.  I’m guessing they probably bother you too.

Here is a short list:

• When people make assumptions about me or my business without gathering information
• When I am not given the benefit of the doubt
• When people behave irrationally and expect everyone else to be ok with it
• When people assume the world revolves around them – and because of this, they think they can make unreasonable demands
• Blaming others – for anything

I don’t know about you, but when I’m bothered by something or someone, I actually get a physical reaction.  My heart starts beating faster, my stomach churns a bit, I clench and un-clench my jaw.  My mind starts making things up about the situation.  Because of this, I do my best to stay away from the people and situations that create this stress.

Sometimes though, out of guilt or a feeling of obligation or helplessness, we put ourselves in these situations that are clearly no good for us both mentally and physically.

So, what can we do about this?  Here are a few tactics that I give to my clients to help with maintaining their cool in these situations.

• See the other person as innocent.  We are all doing the best we can in the moment.  When people behave irrationally, they aren’t intentionally doing it to bother us.  This is simply the only way they know to deal with what is going on in the moment.
• Be an example of how you want to be treated.  Be the person who is full of gratitude and positive thoughts.  Show others how to react to a stressful situation by not getting sucked into another person’s drama.
• Speak your truth in the moment and then shut up.  The trouble starts when we decide to argue or have a long conversation about the situation.
• Check your ego.  Before you “speak your truth”, ask yourself what your motivation is.  Do you feel compelled to say it because you want to prove a point?  Make the other person wrong?  Make them feel bad?  If your response is ego driven, it isn’t going to help you or the situation.  If it’s ego driven, don’t say it!
• Don’t apologize or explain yourself unless you have a very compelling reason to do so.  Apologize only when you have truly done something that you want to apologize for.  Do not go into a big explanation of why or try to defend yourself.  Keep it short and simple.  We tend to say way too much when we are irritated.
• What bothers you about another person or “type” of person is a direct reflection of what you fear in yourself.  Ask yourself what is so bothersome about this person’s behavior.  How does it tie into your fears about what you consider to be the worst part of yourself?

No one is immune to feeling irritated or bothered by people and situations once in a while.  You can, however, handle it gracefully and calmly and not cause yourself undue stress.  The stress comes from how we choose to react and what crazy stuff we make up in our minds.

If you would like more information on why we sometimes behave irrationally, here is a great book that will shed some light on the subject:  SWAY –The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior by Ori and Rom Brafman

Was this helpful?  Did it make you think?  Please leave a comment!

Welcome to my newly designed website!  To say I am excited is the understatement of the century.

This fabulous site and content is the work of several awesome people.  I want to thank:

Jerry Bates of FittingSites for the fabulous design!

Erin and Anna of Mixed Palette for the logo.

Erika Montgomery of Three Girls Media and Marketing for the copy-writing help.

They put up with my questions, my wishywashyness (new word?), my fear and uncertainty.

Thank you all so much!!!

Oh my.  People still have not learned.  There is more networking nonsense going on out there!  Come on, peeps, it’s not that hard to understand!!!  Let me break it down one more time.  Here is how NOT to network.

I’ll start by telling you a true story about another Networking Nincompoop (NN) I met recently.  I apologize in advance if this makes you think I’m talking about you.  I KNOW none of you would do something like this.  And, if by chance you DO, please contact me ASAP so we can discuss networking best practices!

I was at a lovely networking event recently.  It was the end of the event and I was packing up to leave.  A woman rushed up to me and said, “Excuse me, I need to talk to you”.  I was curious what this was about!  She proceeded to say, “I can help you get rid of those dark marks on your face.  The wrinkles too!”  WHAT!?  I was flabbergasted!  Then she begins pointing to my face and comparing it to hers and informs me that SHE has no dark spots or wrinkles.  She then pulls a bottle of some magical substance out of her bag and tells me that it will solve all of my “problems”.  I won’t give you all the gory details but let’s just say it gets better from there.

Luckily, I am not easily offended.  I am, however, easily amused.  This incident cracked me up and I instantly thought, “What a great blog post this will make!”  Now, let’s break down what was wrong with this scenario.

•    This NN did not introduce herself or give me her name or even attempt to establish any kind of rapport with me
•    She insulted me!
•    She tried to sell me on the spot
•    She waited until the very end of the conversation (which, by the way, I abruptly ended by telling her I would not be buying anything from her) to even ask me what my business is
•    When I explained to her that I am a coach, she proceeded to tell me again that I need to look good while meeting people
•    When the conversation ended, she said, “I need to talk to that lady” and ran off

YUK!  Stop it!  This is gross!  Amusing, but gross!

In my next post I’m going to break down HOW TO NETWORK appropriately and effectively.  In the mean time, I would love to hear your stories of the Networking Nincompoops you come into contact with.

I'm excited to tell you that I have a new website in the works!  We are hoping to go live at some point next week.  My new site will look vastly different from this one, which I designed myself.  I finally decided it was time to invest in branding and a professionally designed site.  I am so glad I did!

I've been facing many of my own fears while firming up my branding and choosing the look and feel of my new site.  I definitely have some anxiety about embracing my authentic voice and brand.  I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Scary or not, here I come! 

As a coach, I encourage my clients to feel their feelings and not try to avoid them or push them down.  However, when we not only feel our feelings but let them have influence over our decisions, they can lead us astray.

Feelings are just feelings.  They have no bearing on your ability to achieve what you set out to achieve.  Now, I don’t want anyone to think I’m minimizing feelings.  It’s just that sometimes we give them WAY more power than we should.  Feelings can be so intense that they can cause us to see situations from a skewed perspective.  We make mountains out of mole hills.  We see insult where there was none intended.

When it comes to our career or our business, the lies that feelings tell can cause us avoid actions that could propel us forward.  They can also cause us to take actions that are not productive.

Here are 4 steps to help you avoid the pitfalls of letting your feelings decide your actions.
1.    Pay attention to your feelings and label them.   Are you angry, or sad or lonely or afraid?  Call it by name.
2.    Give yourself some time to just feel what you feel.  No running and no judgment.
3.    Once you’ve labeled and spent some time with your feelings, ask yourself what you want to accomplish (in the situation, relationship, job, moment, etc.).
4.    Take action towards what you want to accomplish.

The idea is to experience all of what you feel AND take action based on your goals and commitments, not your feelings.

If you’re someone who has a limited vocabulary when it comes to your feelings, send me an email and I will forward a list of feelings for you to explore.

Do you know what your values are?  Most people would say they know but when asked exactly what those values are, may be hard pressed to come up with an answer.

Most of us don’t spend much time considering our values, let alone whether we are acting in alignment with them.  This is actually a very important exercise.

If you generally feel a sense of confusion, frustration, irritation or anxiety, chances are your actions are not in alignment with your values.

So, what are values?  Below is a small list of values to get you started on creating your own list.  Add to it and make it your own.  Spend some time making a list of what you truly value and then narrow it down to your top 3.  Each day, ask yourself if your actions are in alignment with your top 3 values.  If they are, congratulations!  If they aren’t, it’s time to make a conscious decision to get your actions in alignment with your values.

Authenticity   Accountability   Diversity   Comfort   Family   Creativity   Integrity   Education
Fun   Simplicity   Innovation   Collaboration   Cleanliness   Community   Beauty   Intelligence
Boldness   Diligence   Independence   Compassion   Confidence   Ethics   Natural   Fitness
Security   Trustworthy   Passion   Boldness   Freedom   Honesty   Quiet   Space

Do any of the values on the list jump out at you?  Are they things that you highly value but perhaps are not a regular part of your life?  I invite you to give it some thought and compile your list.  Living in alignment with your core values will bring peace, joy and contentment to your life.  Give it a try!

We all have a system for filtering everything that we hear and experience.  Most of the time, we are completely unaware of this system and the huge role it plays in our lives.  You know the old game of “telephone” where you say something to someone and then they pass it on to someone else, and on and on it goes.  At the end, what the last person heard is completely different from what you started out saying.  This is our filtering system at work.

Sometimes, even though you are sure you know what someone is saying or attempting to say, you may only be getting part of the message or even a completely different message based on how you filter it.

This is why misunderstandings occur so often when we are communicating.  We listen to our filters instead of the actual words that the other person is saying.  If we listen only to the words, not the meaning that our filters lay over it, you can hear the actual message.

Have you ever had your feelings hurt by someone and that person has absolutely no clue what happened?  Chances are, what hurt your feelings has more to do with your filtering system than with the words that were spoken.  A filter can make a word mean something that it doesn’t.  If your filtering system tells you that other people are against you or cannot be trusted, then you will always hear that in what they are saying to you.

What if your filtering system told you that everyone was on your side?  What if it told you that everyone has good intentions?  What if it told you that you know what is best for you?  How would your experiences be different?

Next time you have a conversation with someone and you’re starting to feel threatened or hurt or defensive, ask yourself what your filtering system is telling you vs what words are actually being spoken.  You might be surprised to find that you are being misled by your own guidance system.

Take note of how you filter what comes into your world.  It can have a profound effect on how you experience people and situations.

You want a promotion.  You want a better relationship.  You want to take your business to the next level.  You want to stick to an exercise program.  You want to make new friends.  You want to fall in love.

However you want to change your life; you must say “yes” to it first.  What does that look like?  How do you know you’re really ready?
Here are some ways to know you’re ready to say, “yes” to making the changes you seek:

*You are ready to be honest about the excuses you’ve been using 

We all use excuses.  We sometimes just don’t recognize they are excuses.  The bottom line is this: if you really want something, you’ll find a way to have it or do it.  If you’re making excuses about it, you have lost sight of the fact that everything is a choice.

• You choose to spend your money on the things you do
• You choose to spend your time where you do
• You choose your thoughts every day
• Embrace and own the choices you make

*You are ready to choose YOU even if it displeases someone else or makes them uncomfortable

In order to commit to making the changes we want, we must be willing to choose ourselves over everyone else.  What does this look like?

• Choosing to get noticed at work instead of hiding in the shadows
• Asking for what you want in your relationship just for the sake of being true to you
• Trying something out of the ordinary with your business
• Choosing to start a conversation instead of waiting to be approached

*You are ready to let go of your past “perceived” failures

We all have something in our life that we wish had turned out differently.  We all have disappointments.  These experiences do not have to define us.  They do not have to determine our future.  So what would it look like to move past them?

• Put your focus on what you do want in your life – not on what you don’t want
• Make a list of all the ways you have been successful or accomplished something
• Gather evidence for why you CAN do what it is you want to do

*You are willing to define what that success will look like

We say we want success in a certain area but we don’t actually take the time to define what it would look like.  How will you know when you’ve arrived at your destination if you don’t know what it looks like?

• What would your ideal relationship look like?  Write it out in detail.
• What would you experience differently at work if you were to get that promotion?
• What would you gain by taking your business to the next level of success?

Are YOU ready to say, “yes” to what you want?