I am not a fan of playing victim or martyr. Actually, I find it very irritating. I want to scream, “You have choices! No one is holding a gun to your head”. I am seeing this mentality more and more lately – especially on Facebook and online in general. It’s time we shine a light on it.
What does it mean to play victim or martyr? It’s when you act as though you have no choice but to make certain decisions or display certain behavior, usually due to another person’s actions. This is complete and utter bullshit and you know it. No one can make you do anything. You make the decisions you make because you choose to.
Some examples of victim and martyr that I’ve seen or heard lately:
- FML! If you don’t know what FML stands for, ask someone. J I see this one on Facebook all the time in regards to jobs and relationships or any other thing that happens to be going “wrong” today. Have you ever noticed it’s the same people day after day who claim their life sucks? If you don’t like it, change it.
- Claiming that everyone is judging you and feeling terribly indignant about it. Hmmmm. Aren’t you judging others by claiming they are judging you and expecting them to be anything other than who they are? Quite a conundrum, isn’t it?
- My job sucks but I can’t quit. This means you are choosing to stay for some reason. What is that reason? Stop saying it sucks and that you have no choice. You do have a choice. More than one, actually. Choose to acknowledge why it’s working for you to stay or choose to leave.
- I want out of my relationship but I can’t leave. No, you are choosing to stay and complain about it instead of working to make it better or leaving. Again, you have choices.
- Claiming you hate drama yet creating it at every opportunity. I love this one. When you claim you hate drama but choose to air your dirty laundry or attack people on Facebook (even under the guise of self-defense), this is you creating the drama you claim to hate. Also, being overly sensitive and getting your feelings hurt at every turn and then blaming everyone else.
- Blaming your partner for everything that is wrong with your relationship and claiming you’ve “tried everything”. You haven’t tried everything or things would either be improving or you would be gone. It’s time to take a good hard look at yourself and where YOU can improve things.
I can think of more but I’ll stop here. Where do you see this happening? Where do you play victim?
I want to offer this: you always have a choice. What you see in your life at this moment is a direct result of the choices YOU have made. It’s not about anyone else. It’s not someone else’s fault. The beautiful news is that if you created this, you can create something else. You just have to take 100% responsibility for your life. All of it. The good, the not so good, the great and the totally awesome. Playing victim takes your power away.
It’s all you, baby!
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Okay – so I’m in my 30′s have been seeing a 31 year old girl for 2 years – she has left her flat for me & wants kids. I’m not happy – according to your advice do I just pack it in rather than staying being a ‘martyr’. I think I have a moral obligation to do the ‘honourable’ thing now. I said I was happy for her to move in, I told her I love her. If I’m not happy well I made my own bed. Does everyone have choices ? Not really – sometimes the responsible thing to do is accept you are a victim of bad choices you made in the past. Moral obligation can be just as powerful as a gun.
Hi Bob,
Thanks for your comment. I realize it “feels” like you have no choice in this matter. When I say you have a choice I am not at all saying the choice will be simple or easy or feel good. It’s just a choice. You can choose to do what makes YOU happy or you can choose to do what may or may not make someone else happy. What it seems you are saying is that you feel that you “should” sacrifice your happiness in order to “do the right thing” or not hurt her feelings. That is a choice, however, at what price for you? It might be honorable to stick with the commitment you made, but it could end up with both of you being unhappy in the long run. I can say quite a bit more on this subject but would need to hear more about your relationship and why you are unhappy.
If you would like some help sorting this out, feel free to schedule a complimentary consultation with me. Vicki@mykickasscoach.com
Best of luck with your decision,
Vicki
Hello. I am in my mid-30′s and have no friends. Many say I play the victim role. I am the youngest of 4 and my mom was physically abused by my dad, so that could be why. I strongly believe in not staying in “negative” situations, and so I moved from PA to SC for a better life for my daughter. But since the move in 2008, I have held about 10 different jobs because I refused to stay in “negative” situations…how can I STOP this victim role?? It is so sad and lonely…no one invited me over for Thanksgiving and at times I feel like deleting all of my “friends” on facebook…I just think they don’t care…!!
Hello and thanks for your comment! This one does not have a quick answer that I can post in response to your comment. I can say that the last 6 words you typed are very telling. What you THINK has an effect on everything in your life. If you think people don’t care, then it doesn’t really matter if they do.
Your thoughts determine how you feel. How you feel determines how you behave (what actions you take). Your actions determine your outcomes (the results you get). If you aren’t happy with your life the way it is (outcome), you must start by examining the way you think.
If you and I could speak to each other, I would ask you some questions:
In regards to you saying you have NO friends: You don’t have even one friend? Are you making that up or is it true? What is your definition of “friend”?
In regard to the “negative situations” you refer to: What made them negative? What was your part in those situations?
Take a good, hard look at what parts you are responsible for and where you are making things up. By the way, we ALL do this. This is not an opportunity for you to beat yourself up or think that I am. Awareness is the first step to making changes.
I encourage you to contact me so we can chat about this. If you want help, I’m here. Vicki