There are certain behaviors that really bother me lately. I’m guessing they probably bother you too.
Here is a short list:
- When people make assumptions about me or my business without gathering information
- When I am not given the benefit of the doubt
- When people behave irrationally and expect everyone else to be ok with it
- When people assume the world revolves around them – and because of this, they think they can make unreasonable demands
- Blaming others – for anything
I don’t know about you, but when I’m bothered by something or someone, I actually get a physical reaction. My heart starts beating faster, my stomach churns a bit, I clench and un-clench my jaw. My mind starts making things up about the situation. Because of this, I do my best to stay away from the people and situations that create this stress.
Sometimes though, out of guilt or a feeling of obligation or helplessness, we put ourselves in these situations that are clearly no good for us both mentally and physically.
So, what can we do about this? Here are a few tactics that I give to my clients to help with maintaining their cool in these situations.
- See the other person as innocent. We are all doing the best we can in the moment. When people behave irrationally, they aren’t intentionally doing it to bother us. This is simply the only way they know to deal with what is going on in the moment.
- Be an example of how you want to be treated. Be the person who is full of gratitude and positive thoughts. Show others how to react to a stressful situation by not getting sucked into another person’s drama.
- Speak your truth in the moment and then shut up. The trouble starts when we decide to argue or have a long conversation about the situation.
- Check your ego. Before you “speak your truth”, ask yourself what your motivation is. Do you feel compelled to say it because you want to prove a point? Make the other person wrong? Make them feel bad? If your response is ego driven, it isn’t going to help you or the situation. If it’s ego driven, don’t say it!
- Don’t apologize or explain yourself unless you have a very compelling reason to do so. Apologize only when you have truly done something that you want to apologize for. Do not go into a big explanation of why or try to defend yourself. Keep it short and simple. We tend to say way too much when we are irritated.
- What bothers you about another person or “type” of person is a direct reflection of what you fear in yourself. Ask yourself what is so bothersome about this person’s behavior. How does it tie into your fears about what you consider to be the worst part of yourself?
No one is immune to feeling irritated or bothered by people and situations once in a while. You can, however, handle it gracefully and calmly and not cause yourself undue stress. The stress comes from how we choose to react and what crazy stuff we make up in our minds.
If you would like more information on why we sometimes behave irrationally, here is a great book that will shed some light on the subject: SWAY –The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior by Ori and Rom Brafman
Was this helpful? Did it make you think? Please leave a comment!
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Great blog, Vicki! A few of these things resonated with me, like tending to say too much when I’m irritated! lol
Vicki,
I’ve noticed that when I’m irritated by someone else’s behavior, it is because the reaction is caused by my own internal issues. I’ve been paying attention lately and have noticed I’m a lot less bothered by other people’s erroneous assumptions, attitudes or behavior, because I recognize they have some broken record playing in their head about THEIR OWN issues.
Had a situation with one of THE most unpleasant telephone conversations I’ve ever had. I didn’t understand her inflexibility, she didn’t understand by frustration at not being able to answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to her questions. Then it dawned on me – I don’t understand her world, she didn’t want to understand mine because her job was to check a bunch of boxes. So, in the end I made it easier on the both of us by just answering as best I could without being irritable.
If that situation happens to me again, I’ll calmly say I don’t understand. That I don’t understand her world, and if she’ll hear me out for 1 minute, perhaps we TOGETHER an find a solution that helps her stay on schedule and complete her task.
My fave of the moment is to be an example of how I want to be treated. It absolutely works. When we show others grace and calm and gratitude, their negativity just bounces on past. When we show others pessimism and hate and discontent, the same things find their way back to us…
Also, love the the Tanya Harding picture! I once sat in the booth next to her at IHOP dontcha know.
This post couldn’t have come at a better time! Thanks for the tips, I also love the Tanya Harding picture.
Keeping it short and simple when apologizing when I am irritated is a great reminder. I recently had an irritating email that stayed in my “reply to” file for a week because I wanted to say/justify so much with my apology. This gentle reminder prompted me to reply simply saying “I’m sorry”. Now it’s off my to-do list, and my stress level is lower.
You mean the world does not revlove around me and my business? Well I NEVER!
Isn’t it interesting that everything comes back to “do unto others” …… when I start feeling that physical reaction that you mention, I instantly start that inner dialogue with myself “Chrystal, why are you having such a strong reaction to this” and it gets me to thinking maybe I am FEELING this in my own body because maybe I see a bit of myself? Hopefully not, but that is my first thought. Great blog. Keep em coming!