I’m not sure when it started; my fear of vulnerability, but I can remember it back to when I was a kid. I recall one Christmas when I was so excited that I could not go to sleep on Christmas Eve. I was awake for hours. Like most kids, I woke up really early on Christmas morning. This is where I stop being the typical kid.
I stayed in bed for hours. I wanted so badly to get out of bed but I was unwilling to show my excitement. Finally, one of my parents came in to “wake me up” and tried to get me excited to get out of bed. I still wouldn’t budge. I acted as if Christmas morning was no big deal and that I was quite bored with the whole thing. When I finally did get up, I went out into the living room, saw all my presents under the tree and sat there as if I wasn’t the least bit interested. I begrudgingly opened a couple of gifts, giving either no response or very mild appreciation.
At one point I got up, went into my room, closed the door and silently danced up and down and quietly screamed with excitement over the gifts I had received. I then went back to the living room and continued the crazy charade. I was soooo excited about Christmas and was completely unable to share that; even with my parents.
What I have come to realize, is that showing emotion; any emotion equaled vulnerability to me. Anger=vulnerability, excitement=vulnerability, sadness=vulnerability. I was stoic on the outside and miserable on the inside. I spent most of my life attempting to control myself and not show emotion of any kind. Because I held my emotions in most of the time, they would unexpectedly erupt at the most inconvenient times. I was so sad and unhappy and couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have the deep, meaningful relationships that I desperately wanted. People didn’t relate to me because I was unwilling to show myself or my vulnerability. Everyone thought I had it all together, did things perfectly and never had any problems. People generally liked me (I think!) but it was hard for me to really connect and let people get to know me.
Thankfully, through discovering life coaching, I gained the knowledge that I needed to make a huge shift in my life! I have been on a mission for the past 6 years to practice showing my humanity, imperfection and vulnerability. This means showing that I’m ticked off when I am. It means speaking my mind when I think it’s important. It means crying in front of people (yuck!) when I need to cry. It means simply showing that I am excited about something.
What freedom this has brought! I am in love with my life today. I am making progress towards my goals and dreams and I have so many incredible relationships with people. I am near bursting with gratitude.
As scary as it can be, vulnerability is the key to deep, meaningful connection. Where in your life are you unwilling or unable to show your humanity, imperfection or vulnerability? What is it costing you?
Please share your experience or questions!
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